Suggested listen: Red Hot Chili Peppers - Pink As Floyd
Some time ago I came to the realization that somewhere along the way I have lost the part of me that was able to enjoy this world more than (almost) everyone I have ever met. It was my best personality trait. I think I inherited it from my grandfather, because he also had this trait, preserved even in his very late 80s. In fact I think he was the only other person that had this personality trait that I met in real life. I will explain this approach to life more deeply but I would like to explore how I lost it and start craving it back.
I was late to be aware of certain concepts throughout my childhood. For example; I don’t exactly remember how the concept of friendship eluded me for so long but I wasn’t aware of such a relationship until one day in elementary school, I overheard a group of my classmates talking about a certain event. The event itself was foreign to me, I did not understand when or where it happened. As I asked more questions I came to find out my classmates met each other outside of the class settings, because they were friends. To that point I did not know that was a thing but it was fine because I did not feel lacking. I was fine by myself. At that age your imagination is a roller-coaster ride going on 7/24 anyway, right?
Same encounter occurred with different concepts over the years. Finding out people do lie, cheat, deceive, steal, blame, manipulate and indulge in other hurtful actions. We all go through the same devastating curve. I was just a bit late I guess. That tardiness can be very costly, in terms of mental health. I’m not suggesting I was a saint and everyone else was evil. It’s just when I was hurt by others, I did not understand what was going on. When I did hurt others, I also did not understand what was going on. You could make the same argument for every person that ever lived in this world. As Bertrand Russell said; hatred is foolish. Evil is stupidity. Evil is when you don’t understand the consequences of your actions even when you think you do.
Regardless, I was hurt by many and hurt many, just like every one of us. That’s how you learn, right? Playing the game, experimenting. Hopefully you don’t do & receive too much damage meanwhile. At some point you feel like looking back. As I understand that’s more tempting to do as you age, old people seem to be doing that more frequently. When I did, I couldn’t shake the feeling of melancholy because I recalled how lighthearted I was back then. Even actions as basic as breathing the fresh air felt much more upbringing in every season. As I thickened my skin, I put distance between me and the joy of living. A distance I don’t know how to close.
Unlearning seems to be much more difficult than learning itself. After all, life kicks you in the crouch until you put up a guard. What do you do when you realize your guard is making you unhappy? I really wish I could ask this to my grandfather. He was a big inspiration to me with his ways. It’s hard to describe the effect he had on people but if I were to try; he was there for anyone, he was kind to everyone, he walked the extra mile for everyone, he touched everyone around him in one way or another, while no one appreciated. It was given that if you had some kind of trouble, or a petty undelight, he would be the one who helps. So no one would find it strange, no one would even show any gratitude. At least not that I knew of.
He was unbothered with all these. He never paid attention to rudeness, ungratefulness. No matter what, mean behaviour from people around him, did not get to him. He not only never stopped being kind, helpful, thoughtful but also he never complained about anyone or anything. It still confuses me so much. How was he so okay with not being okay? How was he so accepting of what was happening to him, while showing so much effort? I wish he was around because these days I’m trying so hard, just to be like him, and let me tell you; it’s quite hard.
Few years ago I came across a TV series, based on a manga series. Doesn’t really matter what it’s, but going through the show & manga, I was once again reminded of the power of my kindness. More importantly how much love I had for myself when I was being kind. Life is much easier on the heart when you love yourself, and I was reminded, for me, it came from my kindness, something I lost while putting my guard up. Problem is I didn’t know how to go back. I don’t know if you noticed but it’s tough out there. As I tried to be nicer and softer, once again I got the heat from people I have interacted with.
I know I cannot go back. I also don’t know how to be okay with not being okay. I try not to hope anymore. Time made me afraid of hoping. Disappointment is what we get used to. Casualty is there and it doesn’t seem to bend to our hearts. But what to do with all that? If it is between being disappointed in yourself or the world, isn’t having a choice kind of a punishment itself?